A little something new...

The Retired Bridgeburner is now two years old! Excuse me while I have a bizarrely proud parent moment.

Last year my "something different" was the 30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge. Whilst I enjoyed doing that, it has isuses with repetition and towards the end it became difficult to answer similar questions differently enough to make it worth posting. One of the key problems was in some cases I'd already covered the answer in an earlier post - there are only so many questions you can ask about the experience of chronic illness after all. At some point you enter the murky boggy waters of "Where have we heard this before?"

So, I'm doing something quite different for this birthday. I'm going to answer more typical life questions and see if they reveal any links into the more usual realms of this blog. I'm going to start it off with this post myself with a question fresh in my mind from a recent discussion with a friend, but I'm also quite openly asking for questions from you readers. I'm really looking forward to your suggestions!

So, the first one.

Given complete freedom, name a person you would like to meet and why. 

I doubt this will surprise many of you, particularly if you've stuck around with TRB for a while. Also, I'm cheating. There are two. 

J. K. Rowling

(I really recommend this Oprah interview to other fans - they're actually both very interesting women and it's a nice thing to watch.)

On one level, I'd like to meet her because I think she'd be an interesting person to talk to, and I love stimulating conversation. I've watched the few TV programmes she's done (Who Do You Think You Are, A Year in the Life etc) and my impression from this is of an interesting and grounded woman with a great outlook on life. Who wouldn't want to meet someone like that?

On another though, it's the same reasoning as I have for the second person. I'm a book person, and books are my first great love. However, as for I suspect all people there are certain books which do important things for you, whether it be to teach you something profound about yourself or because they make you feel at home. The Harry Potter books were one of my examples. 

There is a documentary on the special edition of Deathly Hallows Part 2 called "The Women of Harry Potter", in which Rowling discusses the the various female characters and the reasoning behind their creation and some of their actions. The final third or so is about Hermione, and Rowling reveals Hermione came from a very personal place as she is an exaggeration of her at a similar age, She talks about the sort of little girl she was at that age and the parallels with the character, and the first time I watched it I burst into tears and wept rather quietly for the rest of the discussion. The only way I can describe it is as if she had reached through the television and grabbed me around the heart. I can honestly say she could have been talking about me. 

The Hermione Granger comparison is something I smile and laugh at rather fondly now (yes, I can still do a rather good impression of "Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon!" and the like), but at the time it was something I held rather closely. For a chronically bullied young teenager, I cannot express the power of the existence of a pop culture figure who is very similar to you. The Philosopher's Stone film was released in my first year of secondary school, which made up what cannot honestly be called the happiest five years of my life. I'm not suggesting anybody thought Hermione was "cool", but her existence meant I wasn't alone. It made a love of learning, a high level of ability and a strong sense of what was right over what was "cool" that little bit less abnormal, and such small victories are very, very important at that age. They kept me just shy of the brink of despair.

Discovering proof that she was based upon a real person just perfected the sense of what the character and the books gave me. Even as my taste moves on, my love of re-reading the series endures because of that nostlagic attachment. They're also an easy thing to return to when I'm not feeling well because they're undemanding entertainment. It serves as a wonderful pick me up, and makes me feel good. What more can you ask for? 

Steven Erikson

("And ignorant historians will write of us in the guise of knowledge.... They will compose a Book of the Fallen.")

Yup. Predictable. 

As mentioned, books that do something important for you resonate, and I doubt it's unusual to wish to meet the person responsible for them. 

Aside from the books however, Erikson's other writing is often thought-provoking and challenging, and to me that's a wonderful thing. I adore stimulating discourse. I love anything that makes you pause and consider things, perhaps more so than you may have done before. 

For a recent example, he hosted a rather brilliant discussion on Reddit about authorial intent. The good folks of Malazan Empire shared this, and it kept me riveted and deep in thought for quite some time. There is nothing so wonderful for me as challenging and intelligent discussion. 

Occasionally though, you come across an author and you feel an instant spirit of kinship with the way they look at the world. Ms Rowling says in the interview linked above that she thinks you find out what you believe from what you write sometimes. I think the same can be true of reading as well. Throughout the Malazan books I had more than one "light bulb" moment. As I've said before, I first read Malazan when I fell ill and was awaiting my own light bulb moment when a doctor would finally tell me what the heck my body was doing to me. 

Timing is sometimes key, and those books came along at a very formative time in my life rather like the Harry Potter books did. I was older and hopefully wiser, and as such the connection is different and deeper. It's my adult love as opposed to the nostalgic childhood one above. However, they're both examples of an escapism I firmly believe I need for my own mental health. It angers me to sheer fury when escapism of this nature is derided as childish and having no place in an adult world. I don't think it's in my nature to be so wholly cynical, so it's anathema to me that the wish to escape into something reassuring which makes you feel good has no valid place. If there were ever books to prove that fantasy is not for the childish, it would be these. 

On the meeting front, there's a particular death in one of the books which monumentally destroyed me, and I really want to tell him off for that, somehow at the same time as congratulating him on creating such a perfectly crushing moment. Such is the perfect dissonance of those books at times. 

So there you go. I'm not remotely interested in "celebrity" or being famous for being famous. The only known people I would be interested in meeting would be those who've done something interesting. I'm not a person who feels things in a shallow fashion, and emotion runs very deeply for me. In a way I suspect that's part of why I have such health problems relating to stress, why it never fails to cause flare ups. 

Doing the things that make you feel good, whatever they may be, really are one of the keys to overall health and well being. Partially it's why I picked these two people - it'd be nice to say thank you in person, wouldn't it?

Who would you meet given the chance? 

Wishing you all many spoons xxx

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good

In furthering my having spoken about retreating into books, I thought it was about time I covered this. The thing is despite however much I love certain series above others, they’re not always what I automatically go to. Recently, having burned myself out with too much heavy going Malazan in the shape of Ian C. Esslemont’s Novels of the Malazan Empire series (I’ve got Blood and Bone to read when I feel up to it again), I went back to my safety net of “switch brain off and enjoy” books, the most notable of which being J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, which I re-read in the space of a week.

(Image from absolutevanilla.blogspot.com)

The fact is as much as I’d like to say that a good old reliable doorstop of a tome is the way to go, it isn’t always. Sometimes thinking about concentrating on a book that lengthy (and particularly if it’s a heavy going one such as the fantasy I usually read) is tiring in itself, let alone attempting to actually pick it up and read it. However, if I have absolutely nothing to read then I go ever so slightly stir-fry crazy so I have a few series and individual books that I first read when much younger that I return to at times like this. Typically they are the sort that sit awkwardly in the not-quite-mature-adult-but-not-really-for-young-teenagers-either area, and they serve as easy time-passing when I’m not up to anything more demanding.

Some other examples include Elizabeth Goudge’s The Little White Horse, Jenny Nimmo’s The Snow Spider Trilogy, and Peter S Beagle’s The Last Unicorn.

One of the joys of that list and the Harry Potter books themselves is that given the number of times I read them through my teenage years, they’re even readable on days when my short term memory isn’t playing ball, because I probably know most of them word for word by now.

 

I thought they deserved a post of their own, mostly because they are a subject I am just a little bit touchy about. I’m not your stereotypical rabid fanatic who can’t handle any criticism of the books – there are plenty of valid ones and I’ve offered some myself in the past. You’ll never hear me stand up and say Rowling’s stories are the best thing ever contributed to literature because I don’t believe that to be true.

 

I’m also well aware that the series by its very nature is not going to be plenty of peoples cup of tea, and that’s completely fine too. It would be boring were we all alike. Personally I have a lot more time for the criticism of people who’ve actually attempted to read the books than I do those who just sneer for the sake of it, but I never claimed I was perfect.

 

(Did I say I wasn't a rabid fan? Whoops. This Marauder's Map dress is the lovely handiwork of BabeBoutique's Ebay shop!)

 

However, I get sick of feeling that I have to re-argue my status as a highly intelligent human being because I like the Harry Potter books. Thoroughly sick and tired of the look on people’s faces which clearly bespeaks “You like something this childish, clearly you have the intellectual capacity of a child. Pity, I thought you were smart.”

 

And there was me thinking that personal taste was about just that – personal taste – and not an immediate marker of intelligence or worth. Silly me.

 

So, here’s my case for why I like the series. I don’t expect to change the opinion of anyone who doesn’t, and more to the point I don’t actually want to. However, you should never cast aspersions unless you’re prepared to hear their rebuttal.

 

The first thing to bear in mind is that when I initially read the series I was a part of the original target audience. When the last book was released I was 17 coming up 18, much the same as the core characters. Whilst acknowledging all the other brilliant books I was reading throughout my adolescence, it wouldn’t be untrue to say I essentially grew up with the series. For me, part of its appeal is that it’s a very true coming-of-age – the settings and the scenarios may be entirely fantastical but the human elements are very true to life. The themes are criticised for their simplicity, but regardless they are themes I responded to and continue to respond to as an adult. Despite plenty who’ve expressed the opinion, it doesn’t actually make me a naïve person – it’s just an expression of the things I hold to be important.

 

For a person who has always loved language, I appreciate the way this is used (sometimes not overtly) and the interweaving of Latin, Greek and French influences in the vocalisation of spells. There’s a lovely usage of Victorian flower language in the first book which without knowledge of the same passes easily as an unobtrusive piece of dialogue. It’s a tiny little glimpse of foreshadowing you are never intended to see until after the ending, and when you do it’s hard not to appreciate how clever it is. Things like this don’t make a book, but they’re something I really appreciate nonetheless and they make me smile when I see them.

 

One of the principle criticisms I hear of the books is their lack of intelligence, and that just tends to make me roll my eyes and decline to comment. On the face of it they’re a series of children’s fantasy books (and I expect that’s where this sort of comment comes from), but there’s a lot more going on beneath the surface including some conscious mirroring across generations and the Macbeth-ian question of the effect of prophecy. There are nods littered all over to the likes of Chaucer and Aeschylus, to the folklore not only of Britain but of wider Europe and beyond. If you’re going to throw the question of lack of intelligence in a story for young people about, leave it where it belongs in the pages of The Twilight Saga.

 

The crucial nail on the head point for me was that while I was at secondary school, I was a prodigiously academic and bookish child who loved to learn and definitely had some slight “know-it-all” tendencies. I had an overbite which was later corrected by braces, and I had an even bigger and wilder mane of hair than I have today. Interestingly, some of that is how Rowling describes herself, admitting that the character of Hermione Granger is an exaggeration of herself as a school girl.

 

(Originally included in the two disc edition of Deathly Hallows Part 2 "The Women of Harry Potter" makes an interesting watch.)

 

I’m sure most people say this of themselves, but as a further point I was far from an attractive teenager. My other half says differently having seen an awful annual school photo my Dad still has at home, but then he’s biased and probably also aware that he’s too tall to sleep comfortably on our sofa.

 

With the popularity of the books and the release of the first film, suddenly there was a widely-known pop culture reference to a character that was just like me. Not only is Hermione bright and bookish and herself the owner of a wild mane of hair, but she gets to be a heroine without ever having to be raving beauty. A rare thing indeed.

 

The comparison grew more amusing with age, as a school friend later told my parents that by 14 I’d mastered a facial expression (often turned on both him and another friend) that was pretty much the silent equivalent of Emma Watson’s despairing question in the first film - “Honestly, don’t you two read?”

 

Did any of this make the five years of bullying any better? No. It never stopped a single unkind word, but it did make me feel a little bit better in myself. It was a small and constant encouragement that although I might have been weird in the context of my peers, it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I didn’t understand it fully at the time, but looking back now the books freed me from the expectations of those around me in a lot of small ways which helped to define the person I became.

 

That’s why I’m a little defensive on the subject of the Harry Potter books. In questioning my intelligence as a fan of the books, you’re questioning something which had a very powerful and positive effect on me as an adolescent and in some ways questioning a part of who I am now. It might sound over the top, but then I’m not really given to feeling that passion and emotional connection with anything is something to be ashamed of.

 

When I watched the speeches at the premiere of the final Deathly Hallows film, I don't mind admitting there were some happy tears when J.K. Rowling closed her thoughts with "The stories we love best do live in us forever, so whether you come back by the page of the big screen Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home."

 

Ultimately I’m touchy because I have a lot to thank Rowling for.

 

Book by book she helped a little girl with a crippling lack of confidence find out that despite her bookish and intelligent nature, she had every bit a capacity for magic as anyone else.

 

Mischief managed.

Anybody else a fan of the Harry Potter books? Fan or not, I’m happy to hear opinions on this post, as well as to hear if anyone else has these sorts of “switch off” books or films that they keep returning to?

Wishing you all many spoons xxx

Eye of newt and toe of frog...

I thought I’d write a post about some of the supplements I’ve been trying – despite the title I promise I’m not doing dubious things with bits of animals, my thumbs aren’t pricking and none of it will make three hags on a moor scream “Thou shalt be King hereafter” either. It’s just the passage which wandered into my head on thinking about this.

I admit it; I was one of those strange children who actually enjoyed Shakespeare when I was at school.

Whilst you’re all digesting with horror the concept of just how little street cred I ever had, onward with no more ado!

(Me at school. Little has changed.
Gif courtesy of Buzzfeed.com)

Multivitamins

I like so many others before me roll my eyes continually at the idea that taking a one-a-day multivitamin will solve all chronic health woes. I find I am incapable of dealing with that level of stupid, so I tend not to say anything any more. I don’t get angry and the stupid person lives to be erroneous another day. Everyone wins except their next victim.

However, it’s one of the few cheaper options in terms of things which may provide a little relief, and even the smallest signs of improvement are a big boost. A GP or a quick bit of internet research should reveal what vitamins and minerals are particularly key for whatever your condition may be – for Fibromyalgia it’s the B vitamins and particularly B12. Fish oil is a pretty solid option too.

So I’ve been taking a multivitamin with all the complex Bs in it along with magnesium (also a good bet) and a fish oil capsule once a day. I’ve been doing so for about six months now, and whilst there’s no huge difference I do seem to be feeling a bit brighter most of the time. This might be psychological, but I’ll take the improvement whether it’s real or not.

Some other options for Fibromyalgia I haven’t tracked down or tried yet include brown seaweed extract, Ribose (a type of simple sugar) and SAMe (S-Adenosyl methionine) a compound which supports immune function.

Fibre Supplements and Probiotics

What’s that I hear? Groaning because I mentioned the f word?

Fibre is my favourite argument to have with GPs. As regular readers will be aware my problems first arose in the form of wacky bowel function. After much time and effort and rather too many cameras in dubious places I hit the Wall of IBS.

What’s this Wall? Seemingly hundreds of bricks repeating “Just eat more fibre!”

Working on the assumption that I did indeed have IBS (I don’t think I do, just for clarity’s sake) I was prescribed Fybogel powder drinks and an anti-spasm medication called Mebeverine. The Fybogel was orange flavoured, the packet claimed. I very quickly started referring to the horrible stuff as “Chernobyl Orange”, because it looked radioactive and tasted awful. Next came a Fybogel drink which had Mebeverine in it to save taking the tablet. This was not an improvement in the slightest and quickly became “Fizzy Chernobyl Orange”.

Aside from giving my inner child the opportunity to think up silly names neither option did anything at all. Probably because I eat a pretty good diet in terms of daily fibre intake as it is, and the pain wasn’t spasms in the first place.

("Fizzy Chernobyl Orange")

The next thing I tried (anything to get away from Fybogel) was a vegetable fibre supplement called Life Plan which is available in most larger chemists and comes (hurrah!) in tablet form. It contains three different strains of fibre the body needs and is mostly vegetable matter in composition.

Never, ever again.

The problem with this heavy fibre approach is my body just doesn’t like it. I don’t care how many times it’s been pointed out that on paper this is the correct answer. Seemingly injecting more fibre into my diet just causes utter havoc.

This fact was what sent me off on a different route. It might appear on the surface that I have symptoms of low fibre intake, but that’s certainly not the case with my diet or indeed does it appear to be the source of the problem. Normal rules just don’t seem to apply and so I started to investigate the area of food intolerance, having had a particular brand of test recommended by a friend. This is definitely something I intend to do once money allows it in the future.

Another friend mentioned having started on a probiotic and it helped to clear up their health issues, so I thought this had to be worth a go since I had a first hand account of its usefulness. The one I’ve been taking is called Acidophilus and recommends 1 or 2 of the 100mg capsules a day with a meal.

The problem certainly isn’t fixed, but it does seem to have calmed down somewhat. I’m definitely getting less of the swinging wildly from one end of the spectrum to the other and float a bit more around the middle, and certainly I’m much closer to normal function than I have been in a couple of years.

The one slight problem with all of this? Our old friend Fibro Fog. This relies on me remembering to take them, which isn’t such a given any more. At the moment I’m experimenting with where I leave them, trying to make sure that they’re somewhere conveniently in eye line whilst I’m cooking so I remember to grab them when I eat. This works reasonably well, providing I remember to move them there in the first place.

Oh what a noble mind is here o’er- I’ll stop it, I promise.

Is anybody else taking any supplements or similar things? Are you finding them helpful?

Wishing you all many spoons xx

30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 27

Day 27: What's the best piece of advice have had?

Don't be afraid to ask for the help you need.

I'm by nature both independent and stubborn - I don't *lie* needing help, or indeed asking for it. Firmly in character I spent the first few months not really knowing what to do, pushing myself too far because I didn't want to admit I needed support and then naturally making the whole situation worse as a result.

Slowly over time the thought occurred to me that nobody gets hurt if I ask for help. Nobody has to sacrifice limbs or fall on their sword, least of all me.

In fact all that happened generally was that the people I started to go to were relieved I was finally asking, and I was saved from the cycle of over-doing I'd brought on myself.

Being completely honesty, I still don't like it. Wise move or not, the necessity sticks in my throat quite a bit. This probably isn't helped by the unpredictability - to go from a couple of days of being able to do everything to suddenly needing help with the simplest of tasks again really makes me grind my teeth.

Today is one of those days. I woke up feeling quite active but this went down the pan after a couple of hours. As such the ironing will just have to wait and I've done very little beside empty the dishwasher and open the windows. Yes, opening the windows was about the extent of my capabilities. Fate, I find your sense of humour most distasteful.

So, I'm taking a leaf out of my cat's book and settling down for a snooze, and whilst awake getting reacquainted with an old friend of mine - it's been years since I re-read the Harry Potter books, and they're nice for when I want to take my brain out of gear.

(They say pets resemble their owners...)