Tuesday, 6 May 2014
Life lessons learned from cats
1. Anything can be achieved with patience (and strategic begging)
But only if you're cute. If you have pretty markings and great big Puss in Boots green eyes, the world is your tuna. Most anything can be achieved by sitting very still in your human's eye line and keeping up a very pointed stare - thus distracting them from whatever it is they're doing. On the rare occasion this doesn't work, pitiful meows are perfectly acceptable for an extra nudge.
2. Always set your alarm by your stomach.
Or more importantly - set your staff's alarm by your stomach. Whatever this "weekend" nonsense might be, they should know when you want breakfast without all this unseemly noise outside the bedroom door. However, if your human leaves the bedroom door open, one has to admit it is rather fun to go in there and wake them up by rather less orthodox methods. Surely all that screaming is not necessary.
3. Shoelaces are far more deadly than we humans ever imagined.
With the number of times humans trip over their own shoelaces, one would think they would learn to be more wary of rogue laces. No matter how earnestly you chase, pounce on and seek to brutally murder the shoe lace they never seem to learn and put the damned thing outside. If it was a mouse, the whole thing would be over without issue. Humans really need to realise that shoelaces are far more dangerous than mice.
And no, I can't tell the difference between a rogue shoelace and a shoelace legitimately attached to a shoe. I'm a cat, not a scientist.
4. Illness on cue isn't cheating - it's practicality
No, really. Timing when exactly you're going to throw up your recently-gobbled breakfast is actually clever. Nobody wants to spend all day inside with the unpleasant smell, so throwing up just as your human is about to leave for work ensures a most efficient service in clearing it up. Being sensible should never be considered cheating.
5. Every chair in the house is mine. It was never yours, you are surely mistaken.
Also, the bed is a chair.
6. Treat others how you would wish to be treated.
Just kidding. Treat every non-cat with disdain and every cat with suspicion. Particularly that tabby over the road - he's ginger. Allow your staff just enough affection to keep them happy whilst at the same time never letting them forget who is the ruler of the household. Humans are useless without direction, which it is your solemn duty to provide for them.
Yes, the directions to the food cupboard. Whatever did you think I meant?
7. When it's time to go, go out in style.
And by style I mean bribing your humans to within an inch of their lives for treats, all the food you shouldn't have and all the cuddles. To do otherwise would make you less of a cat.
The blog will be quiet for a while, because as I'm sure you've gathered from the last lesson we had to put our beloved Dovakhitty to sleep. She had a tumour and there was nothing the vet could prescribe save being spoilt rotten for her last "weeks not months". However within four days of diagnosis she aged dramatically before our eyes and we knew it was time to let her sleep. Nobody ever said the kindest decisions wouldn't be the hardest.
What seems a lifetime ago my family gave a terrified little rescue moggy a home, and through two moves and various misadventures Misty gave us thirteen wonderful years.
Good night beautiful xxx