Thursday, 5 December 2013

Bad Wolf


Some quick context: the other half bought the box set of Doctor Who containing all the episodes of the Ninth and Tenth Doctors. Before said box set's arrival I'd seen a little bit of David Tennant's Doctor and the odd episode of Matt Smith's but never really sat down to properly investigate the show any further.

All I can really say about the transformation from uninitiated to Whovian since then is that I'm so pleased I discovered it in time to fully appreciate the 50th anniversary special The Day of the Doctor, which was just an all round amazing piece of TV. A tip of the hat, Mr Moffatt.

Discussing the show with a couple of colleagues at work prompted the question of what the one thing would be that you'd go back and change in your life if you had a TARDIS. Whilst I sat listening to others suggestions and not commenting, someone asked "Well surely you'd make yourself well again?"

After a little time I answered "No I wouldn't."

The thought process of why took significantly longer to piece together, but I was completely certain nonetheless that given the opportunity of such a course of action I would refuse it. Politely, but refuse all the same.

This summer marked two years of adventures with Fibromyalgia and Interstitial Cystitis, the twin personal demons I've grown to know. Setting aside the positives which have risen from that period of time, just the thought of how indescribably different the last two years would have been without my falling ill is in some ways a terrifying one in itself.

The whole of time and space may not rest on those threads being unpicked, but it would be an incredibly different experience for me. I wonder if this is the mark of beginning to find true acceptance; just knowing I no longer wish to alter things.

(Yep, this was me. I probably should be ashamed of how terrible the pun is.)

Those experiences allowed for the eventual creation of The Retired Bridgeburner, and formed the doorway into a number of truly wonderful communities here on the net. My stint as an admin for Chronic Illness Cat has been something incredibly rewarding and it's a page I'm quite proud to be a part of. There may be no cure and no ultimate answer, but it's good to feel a part of something which in many small ways does some good.

Every second of your life has led to and contributed to the person you are now, just as every instance of mine has done the same for me. I'm quite aware of the fact that those two years, however difficult and frightening they were at times, have contributed positively to me as a person. Part of that experience softened some edges and ultimately re-wrote the song of the way I view so much of what is around me. It might be true that I'm too much of a perfectionist to ever rest easy with everything, but still I rather prefer this new and tempered music.

Granted, I've given plenty up in that time be it people, activities I'd found enjoyment in and indeed to some extent an old identity which no longer fitted the new reality. If I take emotion out of play I realise I'm actually quite lucky, because for everything I lost as a result of Petunia's appearance I have gained something more precious, even if it was just a better appreciation of the things I had.

I found a new joy in my creative outlets be it sketching or writing because I appreciated them that much more for their limitation at the hands of my health. Live music has more impact because of the hard work it takes to hold sickness at bay just enough to be able to attend. Time with friends who live further afield has become much the same also - it's harder to take something for granted when it can knock you flat for a week afterwards.

I've always been a creature of passion and emotion which runs close to the surface - I've poked fun at myself in a previous post already for how easily I react emotionally to books, films and the like - but I get far more pleasure out of those simple things now than I did before, when I rarely took a breather from dashing about at top speed to fully appreciate them. As such, those emotions run closer to the surface than ever, and the attachments are stronger for it.

The new one as I'm sure you've guessed is Doctor Who. It's been wonderful to discover the show and find it to be far more emotionally driven and on occasion infinitely more deep thinking than I ever would have given it credit for. I've shed tears a few times and I cheered out loud at Peter Capaldi's unexpected appearance in the anniversary. Being able to get that caught up in the moment is a real joy.

So, what would I change if I had a TARDIS? 

(It'll be a long time before this is knocked off the spot of my favourite TV moment. Image courtesy of

Nothing, really. Except maybe to pop back and have tea with Professor Tolkien.

If you're wondering at the title, Rose is my favourite companion. And as often as I'm prodded, I still refuse to choose between Ecclestone and Tennant for a favourite. I love them both equally.

Does anybody have any thoughts on this? Would you change your health given the chance, or are there things you appreciate and would want to remain the same?

Wishing you all many spoons xxx

No comments:

Post a Comment