Res ipsa loquitur

I love the way that phrase rolls off the tongue, but for those unfamiliar it roughly means “the thing speaks for itself”. It’s a principle of the English and Welsh law of negligence in which a breach of duty of care can be inferred simply by the nature of the circumstances without further evidence.

In colloquial terms then: stating the flaming obvious.

(Someone combined Harry Potter and the law of negligence into a thing. Even I'm not entirely sure why that makes me so happy. Image from www.quickmeme.com)

The matter of doing just that has been cropping up recently for me. It touches on what I think is probably a worthy discussion point for us spoonies and I’d love to hear peoples thoughts in the comments section after reading this.

Essentially, how far do you go to educate the ignorant? Where lies the point of saying “sod this” and refusing to go any further in terms of pointing out what’s essentially just past the end of someone’s nose?

For myself, I’m fairly open and honest about the fact I’m not exactly at the peak of health.  I write an easily accessible blog about it which is linked through on both my personal Facebook profile and The Retired Bridgeburner’s own page each time I have a new post, and I consider myself fairly approachable in terms of if someone wanted to ask me directly about it.

In short, I’ll appreciate a question over a false assumption every time. As I’ve said before I think of myself as pretty lucky in that I have a group of understanding and supportive friends around me who really do help make the situation much more bearable.

Considering all that, for me there’s not really much of an excuse for anyone who knows me to remain ignorant of my situation. If they were unsure, all they need do is ask, but I find it difficult to comprehend someone could be wholly unaware.

What to do, then, when faced with comments on several occasions that are either ignorant, or if they come with prior understanding pretty insensitive?

This is where the schools of thought start to separate a bit.

Logically speaking, the sensible thing to do would be to confront the situation, to point out the comments aren’t really acceptable and to explain why that’s so, and probably clarify the extent and nature of just how capricious my immune system is prepared to be to counter the possibility of just sheer ignorance.

However, my stubborn streak gets in the way of the logic here.

Essentially my usual approach is that I’ll try and explain things to someone if we start on an even keel, for example if they genuinely don’t know anything and query it. There’s a mutual undertaking there – you’ve asked the question, so I’ll answer to the best of my ability and hopefully we leave you more knowledgeable and me more comfortable. An appropriate step has been taken by both parties to clear up potential confusion.

When it’s someone who knows you’re unwell but chooses to make careless or hurtful comments instead of attempting to at least check their facts? It’s not what I would consider to be a beginning on an even keel and I have to admit it makes me disinclined to play ball. At all. Ever.

I don’t for a minute want to come across as if I assume other people should make all the effort to approach the subject, as that’s not the case and it would be a very unfair way to carry on. It suggests an expectation to be holding court as “special” or more important when in company, and I find that idea rather distasteful and it’s ultimately not the sort of person I am at all. There has to be an element of give and take and meeting in the middle to achieve understanding.

What I’m trying to convey is the concept that I’m sure we all have people around us who for a myriad of reasons really should be aware of how things stand, and who have had plenty of opportunities to clarify things which they have not made use of. There does come a point where personal pride rears its dubious head and goes “Sorry, but after all this time I don’t much feel like wasting time justifying myself to you.”

(Don't tell Petunia things like that, it just encourages her!
Image from Evolvefest on Facebook.)

Yes, it doesn’t help the situation and won’t lead to a cessation of comments, but we’re none of us Vulcan and we therefore don’t function purely on logic alone. We’re emotional beings for good or for ill.

Taking all of that into account and accepting that there is no malice involved, I remain a little irritated at being faced with comments inferring that my attitude is part of the problem and that I’m just being deliberately awkward and/or difficult if I bring up my health as a perfectly good reason I can’t engage with something.

Why? For me the first point is one small step away from “think yourself better”, and there are no words in Elvish, Entish or the tongues of Men for how much I HATE that sort of attitude, and the second sort just amounts to a complete lack of any sort of attempt to understand at all. It’s actually down right rude. 

Most (note most, not all) people who turn their health completely around and revolutionise their lives aren’t dealing with incurable illnesses. End of debate. Your inference is illogical and does not compute, so please be quiet. I don't personally think there's much wrong with my attitude, but if I accept the possibility I'm completely wrong, it still won't make my immune system behave any differently. She doesn't do self help, I'm afraid.

The conclusion I’ve essentially come to with this sort of scenario is that it’s not wrong of me to expect that there be a bit of effort on both sides to resolve things. I’m certainly responsible for attempting to fix the situation as much as I’m able to, but at the same time it’s not automatically my role to educate someone who doesn’t take steps to educate themselves.

I’ll close with a thought I think is the most important one from my point of view: there isn’t single individual in this world to whom I owe my health or happiness for the sake of their desires and expectations.

And there never will be.

How do you deal with ignorant and/or insensitive comments from those around you? Have you reached a different conclusion? Please feel free to discuss as I’d love to hear some differing viewpoints on this subject.

Wishing you all many spoons xxx